And we’re back. LK and Rossy have had the longest summer ever but have now returned to the internet airwaves with a brand new series ‘We’ll never be Royals’. Because, well the British Royal family drama is juicy af... and quite frankly neither of them will ever be able to 'Meghan Markle' their way into a Royal family of any kind. So here we are again, chatting shit about royalty and getting all judgy on #megxit. First up, we spill the tea on Charles and Camilla. Get it in your ears!
Megsxit is a polarising shit show. Rossy is obvi fuming at Meghan for pulling this Sussex Royal stunt. She pretends to sympathise but actually doesn’t at all. LK is confused by the overwhelmingly positive American reaction, but like, what do they know anyway? Rossy suggests that Meghan graduated from The School of Manipulation. Insert wincing emoji.
The Prince Of Wales & The Duchess Of Cornwall
LK wants to start an instagram featuring royal outfits from the 80’s because they are all iconic. Rossy is too giddy to concentrate and wants to get stuck into the shit show of Charles and Camilla. LK is very into the “image rehabilitation” section of Camilla’s wikipedia page.
LK then attempts to quiz Rossy on who shares a birthday with Charlie. It’s Condaleeza Rice but Rossy can’t handle the pressure of guessing. For those interested, Charles also shares a birthday with Monet.
The gang reveal that Charles once wanted to be Governor General of Australia and was pretty dirty about it when it didn’t happen. LK didn’t research further into his related Navy career because, quite frankly, it’s boring.
Here’s where we get stuck into the love life of Charlie
LK casually drops the word “vagina” into the first 10 minutes of a debut podcast while regaling us all with stories of a 21-year-old Charles who defs had his pick of the ladies. Nek minute, while no one was looking Charles falls in love with the “unsuitable” Camilla. Rossy suggests that it’s a good thing they didn’t get married back in the day because their children wouldn’t have been as hot.
Cruise, Marry, Shag
Meet our brand new segment we stole from Gavin and Stacey (and maybe James Corden?). Here are the rules;
I give you 3 people
One you have to marry and have kids with, a dog a family and estate car and all that. Forever
One you have to go on a cruise ship around the world, spending every minute of every day with them but you don’t have to sleep with them
And the other one you have to have a long, hard brutal … Shag
Rossy says LK’s three people are Charles, Andrew and Edward which is not at all fair because ultimately LK decides to shag Andrew even though all the things. Obvi she marries Charles because she’s never been one to turn down a crown, and then she goes on a cruise with Edward where they probably eat cucumber sandwiches and shop for race horses online. Or something.
We’re up to 1977 already
Camilla has married Andrew Parker Bowles because she’s sick of waiting for Charles … who around this time is dating Diana’s sister (who tells the press she isn’t into him at all, lol?) even though Charles and Camilla are probably sleeping together most of this whole time.
LK laments that her wedding wasn’t as good as Charles and Diana’s which happened in 1981; as evidenced by the 750 million people that watched it on TV. Rossy and LK agree that if they were in Diana’s position, they too would go ahead with the wedding despite knowing about the adultery.
It’s Trivia Time
Armed with an epic backing track, LK knows that William and Kate both graduated from St. Andrews (where golf was invented), and that Kate, Meghan and Diana all removed “obey” from their wedding vowels, even though Liz herself said it. What a weird time to be alive. Did you know that Prince George is called George Cambridge in school? Because LK didn’t but she does. Adorable. Good quizzing, Ross!. LK thinks Charlotte will be the boss when she’s older. If you want to know where Meghan and Harry got married, listen to the bloody podcast!
Year my brother was born
We’re up to ‘91 and Charles and Diana are in a tezz marriage, two kids. Diana starts secretly recording her thoughts and having them smuggled out to Andrew Morton as if she lives in some high security prison. Andy turns the tapes into a book that is released in ‘92 and everyone loses their goddamn minds. People don’t know what to believe.
LK reads that infamous transcript in her best british accent, then lets us know that Charles and Diana officially separated in ‘92 and divorced for good in ‘96. Camilla is also footloose and fancy free after her own divorce in ‘95.
In 2005, after a lot of kafuffle, Charles and Camilla finaaaaaally get married.
WHAT a wild journey. Jesus Christ.