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David and Wallis

Updated: Apr 14, 2020

So this episode is meant to be about King David but TBH it’s all about Wallis. Her life, her marriages, her attempt to stuff up the Royal family and her love of pugs. Also she was such a sexy minx she made her lover abdicate and that is worth making a podcast about. Of course we have a Quick, but not, Quiz and Cruise, Marry, Shag continues to be the best thing about LK and Rossy’s internet fame.

Did someone say "yikes"?

How’s your shit?

Did you know that Diana had an evil stepmother? LK does because she watched this doc and was hot into it. Rossy agrees the stepmother does sound like a real bitch and probably withheld the le snacks from Diana’s school lunch.

Today we’re talking about King Edward who is sometimes called David and also has all these other names. It’s a bit much really, even for a royal (though Master Archie’s parents could take a few notes).

A quick quiz that aint that quick...

Rossy brings us a quiz that the internet reckons even Meghan Markle would fail (spoiler alert; that’s total bullshit) and once again LK can’t shut the fuck up so the quick quiz is actually a long quick quiz. Yes, we do all know that Harry’s real name is Henry, right? Yeah, we defs do. Prince Philip is from Greece which isn’t as confusing if you spend as much time on royal family wikipedia pages as we do. I mean, you get the gist. Another perfect quiz score for LK, who is keen to capitalize on this talent and earn some real prizes already. Also Biz and Phil are second cousins once removed AND third cousins. YIKES!

Wallis; what a woman!

You know who isn’t shagging his cousin? King Ed. But we actually care more about Wallis than him because her life was wild. She was born in Baltimore where there is a really big Ikea (LK has been there). Her family were only a little bit rich but they had really rich friends so still got to do all the shiny fun things and go to all the fancy schools. Appaz she also had a strong jaw which was a big deal back in the day.

In 1916, she married a man from Florida (also yikes?) who was a raging alcoholic and navy man. The same week she met this guy, she also witnessed two plane crashes. The olden days were so odd. They moved to China, no one really knows why. All she seemed to do there was drink champagne (no judgement). That marriage ended in 1927 when she was 28.

Time for marriage number two; Ernest Simpson. They lost everything in the crash of ‘29 but kept pretending they were really rich. LK doesn’t understand how this is possible but decides it is admirable.

In ‘34 Wallis met Prince Ed through his other mistress (obvi). FYI - Ed was a racist jerk among other things. Something something military … you get it. He was also the most photographed celebrity of his era even though LK doesn’t really know what he looked like. Nek minute Wallis and Ed started shagging and became exclusive really quickly.

We think he was into her because she was so bossy … and boozy. Each to their own. Shit really hit the fan when he brought her to his proclamation ceremony. Everyone told Ed this is a shit idea but he wouldn’t bloody listen, would he? He really wanted to marry her even though she was literally already married. It was a fucking shit show. Eventually Canada, Australia and South Africa put the kibosh on it. Lol?

They got married anyway, on his poor dead dad’s birthday. Like poor form, mate. And that’s not the worst of it. They then went and hung out with Hitler, and later moved to the Bahamas where he got to be governor despite being a proven racist asshole. Rossy let’s us know that Wallis also had a previous affair with one of the most important Nazi’s in a big shiny uniform. Rossy spirals into the conspiracy theories of what might have been if Nazi Ed did become King during WW2. Shit.

Cruise, Marry, Shag

Rossy says it’s really hard to spend time on a cruise ship without shagging them actually. Ha. Fucking Rossy. LK gives her three duchess options; Wallis, Meghan and Kate. As predicted Rossy wants to marry Kate because she is reliable and has really cute kids. She’ll shag Meghan because she doesn’t want to hang out with her and she’ll cruise with Wallis even though she’s probs a Nazi.

Anyway. Wallis and Ed pretty much got kicked out of the Royal family for good and died in France a lot poorer than they probably wanted to be. Meanwhile, Bertie became King, then Liz became Queen and BAM! It’s 2020.

Have a listen, eh?

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