Updated: Apr 23, 2020
It’s Fergie week and LK is trying really hard not to fangirl the entire episode but it’s really hard when Fergie has done so much fun stuff. Duchess Sarah refuses to leave us alone even after divorcing the Royal family in 1996 and we are all about it. We discover how Fergie has kept busy over the last few decades by selling Prince Andrew for tabloid fame and being a spokesperson for Weight Watchers. Rossy stitches up LK with a tezz Cruise, Marry, Shag and the internet could only come up with one Quiz on Fergie and LK gets every.single.one.correct! What a legend.
How’s your shit?
Happy Easter, then? Or not happy Easter? We don’t know, but it is Easter weekend so do with that what you will. In more breaking news; turns out the US surgeon general is a total smoke show even though LK isn’t entirely sure it’s OK to acknowledge such things during a pandemic. What confusing times we are living in.
Rossy is just itching to share the latest befuddling chapter in the story of Harry and Meghan. First they launched a brand the Queen said they couldn’t have the rights to, then they launched another the same day the British Prime Minister went into intensive care because of the most viral virus anyone can remember and THEN they forgot to register the domain name so some fabulous dickhead did it for them and forwarded all traffic to Kanye West’s “Gold Digger” video. It’s so good.
Oh-my-god-LK-can’t-wait-to-get-started because it’s Fergie week, bitches! Right off the bat, Rossy is perplexed about how a broad like Duchess Sarah would ever get a royal guernsey. The short story is that she is the ginger, blue blooded descendant of a King. The long story is that she has a real talent for living her best life and back in the 80’s she thought she’d give wearing tiaras a try for a bit. After high school (which she wasn’t that into) she dated a race car driver and then fourth cousin Diana invited her to the races where she thought Prince Andrew looked like a good option. Less than a year later they were married (get it, girl) and living their most regal and somehow trashy lives -- touring North America, causing a stir and what not.
By the end of the 80’s, Fergie had come good with an heir and a spare -- the bodacious Beatrice and Eugenie-the-one-who-got-married-recently. Family life seemed sweet as, but like all good things, it just wasn’t meant to last. Andy was always in the air doing god knows what and so Fergie had her married self photographed by the pool with an american man *gasp* who was not her husband. Everyone was pretty shook, but obviously not shook enough because a few months later Fergs got snapped again, this time topless and with a new wealthy American sucking on her toes. It’s hard to even imadge how Liz processed this. Not well though, because before she knew it, Fergie was out on her ass and having to shill for Weight Watchers to pay the bills. LK is still confused as to why she had so many bills but like, what does she know?
Not too many Fergie themed quizzes on the internet, apparently. LK promises that she and Rossy will make more and Rossy immediately dismisses both this idea and the related promise. Moving on. Fergie wrote children’s picture books about helicopters. It’s like there is nothing she can’t do. Including graduating from secretary school which for some reason, really pisses Rossy off. Her middle name is Margaret, you get where this is going. Anyway, LK gets all the answers right because she’s just too good at life.
Sell Out Kween
LK insists that Meghan owes her life to Fergie’s legacy as a post royal hustler. Rossy is outraged that Fergie doesn’t get invited to all the royal weddings (remember when she arrived at Harry and Meghan’s on foot?). LK ponders her feelings on William and Kate aloud. In the end, she really appreciates them but wishes their flaws were a little more visible because perfection is boring. Rossy says we just have to wait for Kate’s mum to go a bit nutty and start fucking things up. I guess, time will tell.
But back to Fergie. She sold Avon for a while. Rossy thinks she was just a pretty face on the posters but LK isn’t so sure. I mean, girl would do anything for a quick buck bless her. It all peaked when she got her own v awkward reality show where she taught the plebs how to less like plebs and more trashy-royal-chic like her. That all turned to shit pretty quickly. Then, feeling a bit despo, she tried to sell access to Prince Andrew to News of the World and they got video of it. Oh Fergie, you so crazy. She also went on Oprah, tried to sue Rupert Murdoch and got arrested in Turkey for reasons still kind of unknown (which is obvi the best conditions to get arrested under, yes?). What a wild ride. Today, she’s busy posting pictures of her garden on twitter.
More to come on this one. We really do hope she reigns on forever.
Cruise, Marry, Shag
Not for the first time, Rossy successfully corners LK into saying she would shag Prince Andrew even though he is rank. The whole thing is extremely uncomfortable. Meanwhile, she would marry Beatrice because, as previously discussed, her passion for hats is the best thing about the current royal line up, the Queen’s brooches aside. And then LK agrees to cruise with Eugenie because she has no reason to believe she’s not heaps of fun. Rossy giggles a lot in a judgy way but then agrees that she would do exactly the same thing. Iconic ep, you guys. Listen here.