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Euro Royals - The Netherlands

We’re all about space cakes and windmills this week, kids; it’s time to take a trip to the Netherlands!



A Quick Quiz


Bet you didn’t know the Queen of Denmark illustrated the Danish version of Lord of the Rings. What an adorable nerd. In other big reveals, Spain has a royal family. Who knew? Also there are lot of royal families in Europe apparently … so this little series of ours could go on … and on … and on. We hope you’re up for it.


The House of Oranje-Nassau


Rossy doesn’t make it two minutes into this ep before calling an entire family of royals “wankers”. All class over here.


Dutch people love putting J’s where there aren’t normally any. Ha. And now to the task at hand. Shit gets really weird every year on the King’s Birthday holiday. Everyone’s allowed to sell all their random crap publicly without any license. We don’t know exactly where they draw the line on what’s allowed, but we assume it’s somewhere between kidneys and crystal meth. In other fun facts, the Dutch Royal family is the most costly in Europe. And it’s rumoured the Queen lost $100M in the Bernie Madoff scheme. That last bit isn’t so much a fun fact as it is a cringe fact. Maybe we need a new segment.


And now to the most important members;


Beatrix is the matriarch. Or she was from ‘89 - 2000 when she decided to have a rest and abdicate (like her mother and grandmother before her). Her most scandalous moment was that time she married a man who was legit a member of the Hitler Youth back in Germany. Still, Prince Claus seems to have eventually one the Dutch people over, so good for them?


They had three sons. King Willhem-Alexander (they don’t mind a hyphenated first name), Prince Friso, and Prince Constanijn.


Willem likes to drink beer and once drove his car into a ditch. Bloody scallywag. Following mum’s lead, he also chose a spouse with some troublesome political connections. Queen Maxima’s Argentinian father was a member of a dictatorship that was not at all chill in the 70’s. They have three daughters. The oldest, Catherina-Amalia, is the next in line for the crown. Amazing.


Middle kid Friso didn’t get his marriage approved, because his fiance lied about once dating a drug lord and the government cracked the shits. He lost his title and then the couple moved to London and said fuck you all. We’re paraphrasing, but that’s how we hope it went. Tragedy struck in 2012 when Friso got buried by an avalanche while skiing. He was in a coma for 18 months and eventually passed away. RIP, mate.


The only thing mildly controversial about little brother Constantijn, is that we’re not really sure how to say his name. That’s on us mate, sorry. And then this episode descends into LK and Rossy trying to pronounce things. What a bunch of dickheads. Do listen though, OK?

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