Hold the phone. It’s happening. The first joint commercial venture for Harry and Meghan since exiting the Royal family is here. And of course, (of course!) it has arrived in the form of a biography. Book deals are a lot like celebrity fragrances; you don’t really care what’s in it, how it’s made or what physical reactions the public might have to it. Just bundle it all together, run a marketing campaign and then sit back and watch the money roll in.
We’d do the same thing if we could.
Every monarchist and non-monarchist in the world will want to read this book and no doubt it will hit the New York Times bestsellers list. But, just how long will this literary tale be able to bankroll the royal lifestyle to which these two have become very accustomed? Rachel Meghan Markle Windsor has only gotten her teeth into a small piece of lemon elderflower royal wedding cake but Harry has been eating from that buffet his whole life. And that bain-marie is delicious but expensive. And those tiaras don’t buy themselves you know.
‘Finding Freedom and the making of a modern royal family’ (yikes, what overpaid marketing brainstormed this title..?), is set for release in August and biographer Omid Scobie has been interviewed on another Royal Podcast, not this one but some other bozos, and has said:
‘I don't even think Harry and Meghan, who by their own account struggled with the realities of the situation, expected things to turn out the way they did.’
Ya think, Omid?
At this point, that’s all we really know about the biography and the kind of overproduced narrative seeping off of the pages. Which makes room for a lot of speculation about what actually will be uncovered in the biography. We all know speculating is one of LK and Rossy’s favourite things to do, so they have taken the liberty of listing potential speculative biographical discoveries:
Meghan will soon be releasing a clothing line named after her favourite English tea - PG tips as a nod to her short-lived British heritage. The line will also include an organic sugar-free fragrance made from free trade tea.
Harry confesses he is, in fact, James Hewitt’s son and is now considering a career as a professional golfer and/or a fuckwit.
Archie has been identified as a gifted child, after his birthday table read, and has been enrolled in Harvard business school’s MBA program.
Despite Rossy’s ongoing rage re Megxit, this is exactly the kind of thing all the royals should be doing with their time. Destroying the foundations of the world’s most traditional family is the best way to create a scandal of epic proportions. One in which may be repurposed as entertainment and delivered in the form of a scripted podcast.
… So, how does everyone feel about LK and Rossy doing a reading of the biography in the form of a Season Two of ‘We’ll never be Royals’?
Good, we all agree.
The Harry and Meghan biography podcast coming to you this August!