Updated: Apr 30, 2020
Lol at us thinking we were going to be able to cover every Diana scandal in a 40 minute podcast. What a bunch of idiots. A lot of conspiracy theories this week, guys. Here we go!
How’s Your Shit?
Rossy reckons being in iso is just like living on a cruise ship but with less shagging and more internet. She probably ain’t wrong but she’s also definitely rocking a madwoman vibe this ep.
Wills on Zoom
This week, Wills fronted up for the Big Night In over Zoom and made jokes about a show that he definitely hasn’t watched. Rossy didn’t take enough notes on what he was wearing. Poor form, mate. LK thinks that getting the royal zoom account secure can’t be an easy feat, what with all the Russian hackers so eager to cause trouble of late.
Meanwhile, Fergie has a youtube channel now and LK suspects that it’s part of her larger plot to become memed widely. Seriously though, why always wear green screen colours if you don’t want to be green screened? We’re asking the hard questions over here. Rossy is certain that Fergie’s just waiting for the right opportunity to dish all the royal dirt. Like all of it.
Turns out Diana has been covered quite a bit! So this week we’re focusing on just one scandal. The great Squidgygate debacle has it all; mystery, science, secret service plots. So good that it gets Rossy on a rant about how she thinks the Queen just might be a murderer (but more on that in a later ep).
First, a little on young Diana. She was named after a relative who was also known to court a Prince of Wales, and both her grandmothers were ladies in waiting to the Queen. Needless to say, Lady Di had the hook up from the beginning. It wasn’t all roses though. Her stepmother was so evil that one day Diana just like, pushed her down the stairs. Iconic really. Anyway, we all know how the story goes. Di graduated, went to the Swiss finishing school and then came back to London and waited for a rich guy to propose to her (no judgement). She got married, had a few kids and by 1989 was hanging in out in her unhappy marriage just minding her own business …. Nek minute….
Cyril & The Sun
In 1992 the Sun newspaper in the UK published a transcript of a leaked convo between Di and her mate James who was heir to a gin fortune and why don’t we have friends like that. Anyway, the phone call itself was not that interesting, they just talked about Eastenders and how the Queen Mum’s a bit of a mole. It was a little saucy with the ‘I love yous’ but not a Fergie level astrocity …. And then gin James called her Squidgy …. 53 times. Squidgygate was born.
Anyway, the Sun bought the tape of a guy named Cyril who said he just accidently bumped into the radio frequency. But then some bloke who knew what he was doing analysed the tape and it had clearly been edited. Everyone got so mad at Cyril, Diana lost her mind a little bit and the Queen demanded an investigation that mysteriously never happened.
The long and the short is that no one exactly knows how the tape came to be but it’s largely held that some shady secret service that we're not supposed to know about tapped Diana’s phone to silently spook her out of recording tapes for Andrew Morton and that sneaky tell all, and then released on the air waves for poor old Cyril to pick up. Poor bastard.
Diana week babes and Rossy found a quiz all about the bloody wedding. It was at St Paul Cathedral (which is not even the good one) and 600,000 showed up which LK thinks is a real lot. Also you can still buy “vintage” tea towels from their wedding on Ebay. Most British businesses were closed on that day too, which is awks in the COVID present (insert cringe emoji).
The gang then discuss if there could be any conspiracy theory attached to Pippa’s good butt at Kate and William’s wedding. We don’t think there is but there totally could be.
Shit. We haven’t mentioned James Hewitt yet, who is not so arguably the worst and also maybe Harry’s dad. Turns out, thinking that Harry isn’t a real royal is the only thing getting Rossy through this Megxit debacle. The poor love.
Cruise, Marry, Shag
Righto. Rossy makes LK marry Charles for the crown and access to other diamonds, she has to shag James Hewitt, because honestly he doesn’t seem too good at anything else, and then goes on a cruise with Dodi, who appaz was an epic film producer bank in the day. Rossy refuses to participate in earnest and we call it a day.
See you same time next week?