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Queen Victoria

Updated: Apr 14, 2020

LK’s only job this week is to make Rossy fall in love with Queen Victoria, and spoiler alert - she does! We find out Queen Vicky is the reason everyone wears a white wedding dress and also why we vote for our nation's leaders using a secret ballot. She was also almost murdered eight times, loved her husband a lot and wore big knickers! But who cares cos she was legit a KWEEN! Obvi we do a Quiz and play Cruise, Marry, Shag.

How’s Your Shit?

We get off to a cracking start when LK forgets which podcast she’s recording. Sigh. Rossy’s out of tut paper. Lol at all our problems being universal right now. The gang bang on about the difference between an Australian pandemic and an American one. Hint: the difference is guns.

Royal Round Up

We all know by now that complaining about fake news is Rossy’s favourite thing. She reckons there’s a conspiracy about the Queen not isolating. LK is excited to talk about how Beatrice might get a look in at the royal purse again if the Queen becomes unable to perform her duties. LK and Rossy take an appropriate amount of time to question Harry and Meghan’s actions again. The fascination will legitimately never end.

Queen Vicki

Rossy’s bored with this story right off the bat. So, do with that what you will. LK accepts the challenge with pep and continues to talk at double speed for the remainder of the ep. LK attempts to explain the importance of the Victorian era in one sentence but doesn’t really pull it off. Vicki got the crown at 18 after doing a Bradbury. People really didn’t want her to have it (see: succession crisis). Turns out Vicki’s mother (also called Vicki … obvi) was all scheming and no chill, she was just desperate to make the kid dependant on her. This was really annoying for Vicki Junior so as soon as she was crowned she got married so she could kick her mum out. Seems legit. Except that she married her first cousin, Albert. I mean they were really happy and everything, but gross.

If you’re up for a round of fast facts, Vicki was responsible for the popularity of the modern wedding dress and was the first royal to live at Buckingham Palace. Take that to the bank at trivia night if you want. She also used to write alot in her journal, probs because they didn’t have Netflix back then.

Quick Quiz

Rossy forgets to prep a quiz and finds this tezz one at very short notice. At least it’s Victoria themed, we should technically say ‘Alexandrina themed’ because that was her birth name. AGAIN LK gets all the answers right because she is made for this bullshit. Eight separate people tried to assassinate Vicki during her reign, which sounds like an awful lot but also she reigned for a long time so cut your losses, I guess? Also lol at that one time Vicki thought this woman was pregnant out of wedlock and made her undergo a ‘purity’ test only to find out she had a very unfortunate stomach tumour. How many times are we allowed to type ‘yikes’ these days?

Nine babies. Nine!

Queen V got super close with Prime Minister Melbourne after she was crowned and started having heaps of babies with her first cousin even though she thought babies were ugly and hated breastfeeding. LK and Rossy figure they must have just really liked shagging. LK tries to liken Albert to Tom Hanks but Rossy isn’t having it and thinks it’s just a shameless reference to recent coronavirus news. Which is kind of is but it’s also true. Albert seemed like a really nice palatable guy. Rossy makes a fucking tezz joke about John Travolta. Tezz. Really fucking tezz. We can not over state this.

LK thinks that there were pros and cons to living in the Victorian era. On one hand, mental illness was pretty much universally untreated, but also education was extremely limited. Hence why when some guy thought he might like to shoot the Queen, he was unsuccessful because he didn’t know how guns worked. Shrug emoji.

Dear Albert died of typhoid and a broken heart after he found out his son (and the heir apparent) was shagging an actress. Vicki was devo and wore black for the rest of her god damn life, the poor love. But she did find new romance we think sort of maybe with a member of staff named John Brown. The details are sketchy but ol’ Vic was buried with John’s mum’s engagement ring but in the plot next to Albert. Have fun deciphering that one because we’ve already moved on. LK manages to sneak in a Spice Girls reference.

Cruise, Marry, Shag

Choices, choices this week. Rossy forces LK to choose between husband Albert, servant John Brown or father Prince Edward. This stresses LK out because decisions are hard. Eventually LK deduces that Albert is probably a great shag because Victoria had nine babies with him even though she hated actual babies. Rossy doesn’t want to marry John Brown because he was a servant …. So … um.

On that note, we’ll see you next week?

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