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Quick guide on how to be the King of Swaziland


So this King of Swaziland is really yikes and instead of giving you all the cringy details Rossy is making this a satirical guide on how to become the Monarch of Swaziland. Hopefully no one is offended by this attempt of sarcasm.


Quick guide on how to be the King of Swaziland:


Get lots of wives (...kidnap them if you have to)

So monogamy can get stuffed in Eswatini (new name for Swaziland) because having lots of wives is more fun than having one. Current monarch Mswati III has 15 wives and 23 kids. But that is nothing compared to his old man who had 125 kids over his 82 year reign. That’s a lot of wedding anniversaries to remember. King Mswati III is not into dating by traditional methods such as Tinder or $15 pot and parma nights at the local pub, so instead he sends his staffers out to high schools to kidnap school girls and then impregnates them before marrying them. Jesus Christ.


Don’t let people take picture of your cars

Being rich and a monarch go hand in hand but considering the average person living in Swaziland lives on less than $1.25 per day, allocating $61 million USD to the King for his household expenses seems excessive. This doesn’t really bother Mswati III and he has no problem splashing $500,000 USD on a fancy car. But when the car was photographed and made its way into the news cycle he invented a law that none of his cars could ever be photographed again.

Just yikes.


Make a list of bad things

If you had to write a list of all the bad things you could think of in relation to human rights violations and then do them then you’d be halfway to becoming King of Swaziland. Eswatini does have a Prime Minister but the King is vested with virtually all powers by the state, so he can do whatever he likes and get away with it. Here is the list of bad things going on in Swaziland: INCLUDING but not limited to:

  • using torture and excessive force to control the masses

  • blatant discrimination

  • extrajudicial killings - along with arbitrary arrests, detentions, and unwarranted searches and seizures of homes and property

  • restricted freedom of speech

  • harassed activists and journalists AND

  • targeting the LGBT community, labor leaders, activists against child labor… among other groups

I mean… what a dick.


There you have it. A few quick easy steps on how to become an evil monarch.



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