Royal Birthing Traditions That Are Wack

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As we’ve all long suspected, the British royal family really are lizard people, with their own weird and wonderful traditions. We’ve compiled a list of the best birthing ones because since we got up the duff, we think of nothing else. Enjoy, babes.

  • There are always a lot of people in the room. During Charlotte’s birth, there were three obstetricians, two midwives, three anesthesiologists, four surgical staff members, two special care staffers, four pediatricians and a lab technician. (And probably a hairdresser waiting outside the door with a hair dryer ready to get started on that blowy).

  • Historically, men weren’t allowed in the room. In fact Phil-The-Greek was the first one to get a look-in for Ed’s birth in ‘64.

  • Victoria was the first one to use pain meds. She liked a bit of chloroform on a rag. Biz preferred to go into a twilight sleep for labour -- which we assume is kind of like the feeling you get after binge eating hot cheetos and chasing it down with jagermeister. No judgement.

  • G.H.Hurt & Son always produces those lush, lacey blankets that the royal babies make their first appearances in. Yes, we put in our order as soon as we found out.

  • Royal babies are supposed to have at least three names - a firsty, middle and one they can use when / if they become monarch. Again, Harry and Meghan said a big ‘fuck you’ to that.

  • Up until William, all royal babies wore dresses for a few years, even the boys. So fab and practical. We stan.

  • Queen Victoria commissioned a christening gown for her first daughter, (you guessed it) Victoria Jr in 1841. It was then worn by over 60 royal and royal adjacent babies until 2008 when it fell apart. Today, the fam use an exact replica.

  • They have a whole bunch of Godparents. In fact, lil’ Georgie has seven which probably just means more birthday presents every year so good for him. Also one of them is the hugely under-rated babe, Earl Hugh Grosvenor. Iconic.


To keep up with all the royal fab-u-lous-ness, tune intoWe’ll Never Be Royals wherever you stream your pods.

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