ROYAL FAMILY NEWS: The Toe Sucking Incident

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Like most things related to Fergie, The-Great-Toe-Sucking-Incident-Of-92 is at once iconic and incredibly confusing. Calm yourself though, we’re here to explain it.

In March ‘92, Fergie and Andrew announced they were splitting up after six years of what we can only imagine was tumultuous matrimony. Nek minut, the Duchess is all over the trashies in all her topless glory (no judgement) with an American billionaire sucking on her toes. Like literally his toes were in her mouth.

We know. You have questions. The toe sucking billionaire at hand was/ is John Bryan (as if that name isn’t made up) who was Fergie’s post break up financial advisor and obviously really bad at his job but more on that in a separate post. John still manages to capture the spotlight today. He’s appaz being blackmailed by someone in the Philippines who is threatening to release his dick pics on the internet AND Fergie’s sister Jane is also suing him. He offered to get press coverage of her wedding but then like … didn’t and just kept all the money.

But we digress.

Back to ‘92. Biz was WILD when the photos were released. Some peeps reckon that’s why she got shunned from the family and had to sit out Kate and Wills wedding even though Anne’s ex got a guernsey. Phil still isn’t over it and he’s supposed to be the fun one.

In 2007, Fergie also tried to blame Diana for the photos, suggesting she was the one who told the press where she was. We’re not really buying it. It takes two to toe suck, Fergs.

Anyway, a lot of people want to know why Fergie would do such a thing in the first place but to us it’s pretty obvious. Fergie likes to party and having your toes sucks post breakup in St. Tropez is not a terrible way to do it. Especially if you’ve broken up with Andrew, like gross.

Royal Family News

We actually cannot bloody wait to see what Fergie gets up to next. Especially now she is a grandma. Stay tuned to ‘We’ll Never Be Royals’ to get the latest as news breaks.

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