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Royal Recap - Week 4



As bloody iso drags on, we’re asking the really hard questions. Like, is it wrong that we’re bored by how perfect Wills and Kate are? This week they’re facetiming with primary school kids and shit. Ugh. And Kate is rocking mustard like nobody’s business. It’s so outrageously, predictably adorable and we hate it but we also love it. So many feelings.


Meanwhile on the other end of the trash spectrum, lol at Harry and Meghan who have cocked up their branding yet again. Their first faux pas was announcing their new Archewell “foundation” legit the same day that poor Boris went into intensive care. If this was 2009 we’d say that kind of behaviour was “totes awks”. Secondly, we say “foundation” because we suspect this whole thing might be a cover for the relaunch of Meghan’s acting career and not in fact, focused on royal type charity things like sick kids and operas. But now we’re just being mean.


Anyway, the real story here is that the poor bastards announced this new endeavour before actually registering the domain archewellfoundation.com, so some day drunk, quarantined troll, probably with unbrushed teeth, beat them to it and linked the site to a youtube clip of Kanye West’s “Gold Digger”. I mean sure, the internet is a steaming heap of filth at the best of times, but we reckon even Liz is having a bit of a lol at this one.


Also clawing its way into the otherwise pandemic obsessed headlines this week is the rumour that Prince Philip almost shunned poor Eugenie’s wedding in 2018 because he didn’t want to hang out with Fergie. This is most devastating to us because obvi now that Harry is out of the picture these two are the frontrunners for most-fun-royal and we reckon they’d be in their element getting sauced up at a wedding. I guess some things are not meant to be understood by us mere mortals.


In other news, Princess Sophie might come up trumps in the face of all this crisis. Don’t feel bad if you don’t remember which one she is, we’re pretty sure Philip doesn’t either. She’s the one who married Edward, looks like Diana and never makes a fuss. With Harry and Meghan out of the picture and everyone else either hiding from the FBI (we see you, Andy) or getting a bit long in the tooth, it might be on Sophie frock up and become a more public face of the ‘the firm’. We’ll be following this development closely because honestly, we’re not sure what to hope for -- more mustard wearing perfection, or for Sophie’s ego to literally explode all over Charles at Christmas lunch. Either way, TEAM SOPHIE!


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