Royal Recap - Week Five

Royal recap, you say? Well, sorry to let you down but we don't really have any royal bloody news to recap this week. Why not, I hear you ask. Seems the Royals are having a rest and we don’t care if you can’t leave the palace! The British taxpayer is funding your isolation so give us a Tik Tok or something please baby Jesus!


Slight overreaction... a couple of things did actually happen this week.

First of all, the Buckingham Palace Press Secretary has whipped out their Entertainment Book and cashed in their ‘Buy one, get one FREE’ coupon with the BBC. Queen Biz wheeled out a ‘Keep Calm and Carry On’ Coronavirus message last week and while she was there she did an unprecedented Easter message because #megxit is ruining the royal family and someone’s got to roll up their sleeves and do something about it! And, no point those fancy Easter decos going to waste.

Otherwise, the Royals are not even really getting a run in the tabloids and it is more terrifying than this worldwide pandemic, that has trapped us in our own homes and forced us all to day drink. Has anyone checked in on Camilla? Is she OK, or is she still pretending to be in iso at Balmoral?

Also, LK reckons some story about The Ape Lady - yes, The Ape Lady… is worth a mention, but is it? Just because Jane Godall has devoted her life to studying apes and is maybe the inspiration for the character Jane in Tarzan, doesn’t mean shit when it comes to this Royal Recap.

Apparently, Ape Lady Jane is good mates with Harry, but so is Greta Thunberg and look how that turned out? It ended up with Russian hackers didn’t it, and this blip in the media doesn't mention anything remotely that fun. Anyway, Jane The Ape Lady reckons she’s not at all surprised Harry decided to give up his royal life. But she also believes in using coffee grounds twice and toasting bread with hotel irons. So yeah, we don’t know how much street cred she has.

But that is about it for royal news this week.

Oh wait, Kate allegedly went to wife lessons prior to marrying Wills. Which is understandable because it’s not like you're born with wife skills or it’s something you can learn from YouTube. Makes sense to take a course. Hopefully, they teach you worthwhile skills like cross-stitch and blow jobs. Completing a wife course might be worth considering for any of you unwed readers and also, unwed Rossy.

Anyway, that is enough for this recap.

*Please note both these stories are from questionable publications and we would appreciate you not judging us for our content sources during these uncertain times.

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