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Royal Recap - Week Two

Jesus H Christ, what a time to be alive. We hope you’re all washing your hands and shit. And if you think you’ve had a big week, let us tell you about what our best girl Princess Beatrice is up to.

First off, she had to postpone her wedding to this bloke because of that fucking COVID-19 bastard. And we really feel bad for her, and also us because the headwear at the ceremony was going to be so on pointe. The tabloids say she is really devo about it -- which in itself is probably just making her more devo (shit, are we the tabloids now?). But it’s not ALL bad news.

This goddamn virus might also mean she gets back on the royal purse, which we assume will ultimately result in more hats like this one. How, you ask? It’s kind of complicated but basically, there need to be five people hanging around at any one time to step in for the Queen in case anything happens to her. This is especially important now that Boris has all but forced her into isolation. The five people currently on hand are Philip, Charles, Harry, Andrew and William. The kicker is that Boris wants everyone over 70 to quarantine (can you believe we type things like this now?). That means Charlie is off the list, and Phil too. Meanwhile Harry’s busy destroying the monarchy with his megsxit tomfoolery so he’s about as useless as tits on a bull. Which means, the next available option is Queen B herself, and by Queen B, we mean the outstanding Beatrice Elizabeth Mary of the House of Windsor. We’re keeping our fingers crossed for you, babez.

Does the rollercoaster of royalty never end?

In related news, one of Liz’s aides just tested positive for the dreaded C. No one seems too bothered though. Apparently she has a LOT of aides. Maybe this one was just incharge of feeding the Corgis or something. Anyway, Corgi aide, if you’re reading this we hope you feel better soon. We recommend stealing an Amazon Prime password, making yourself a lemsip and sitting down with the Princes of the Palace doc. The graphics alone will leave you awestruck and there’s a nice profile of Harry pre Meghan that could help us all remember the good old days.

Quite literally, no one knows what we’re in store for next week, so be sure to stay tuned and we’ll see you all of a sudden!

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