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The British Royal Family - Explained

Updated: Jun 10, 2020


Well kids, it’s the ep we’ve all been waiting for - the one where LK and Rossy attempt to explain the ins and outs of British Royal life, despite limited research skills and sometimes uncontrollable rage at certain members of the family. Lol.


How’s Your Shit?


No time to waste this week because Rossy, despite better judgement, watched Master Archie’s first birthday video and needs to talk about it. And by “talk”, we mean release her outrage at Meghan and Harry for yet again being shameless attention grabbers while also repeatedly claiming that they don’t want attention (PS. the video is pretty adorbs). LK read this article in The Atlantic and agrees maaaaaaybe Megxit wasn’t as well thought out as Harry and Megs thought it was. It’s a bit like when you try and go camping on a whim but then remember the tent has holes in it and also you don’t know how to make a campfire and also you actually hate camping. It’s just like that actually.


Also here’s a picture of Kitty Spencer at Harry’s wedding. Dare we say, iconic?


Royal Recap


Segments be damned this week (see above).


Da Fam.


Inside scoop; LK got most of her info from this BBC article. The long and the short of it is that Ed is an Earl because he loves Colin Firth and Anne’s kids get cut out of everything because, turns out, the monarchy is still a cesspool of sexism.


Also BREAKING NEWS as we recorded; Queen Biz filmed yet another video message for VE Day. She wore light blue and honestly, like what a mic hog. OK moving on.


It takes both LK and Rossy a substantial amount of time to understand that one can be a Duke and a Prince at the same time. Whatever.


The Peerage and the Duchy


Alright kids, here we go.


The Peerage is a hierarchy system the royals use to allocate titles. It’s old school and very cliquey. You can be given a title, or if you’re a boy you can inherit it from your father which gives LK and Rossy more rage. The titles up for grabs (in order of awesome) are duke, marquess, earl, viscount (the ‘s’ is silent guys), and baron for men; duchess, marchioness, countess, viscountess, and baroness for women. If you really want, you can read all about it here but we’d prefer it if you just listened to the god damn ep, ok?


Princes and Princesses for example can’t be given, you’re either born into it or married into it.


LK does not at all understand how the Dukedoms came to be. Rossy tries to find out but it’s a bit boring.


This Saudi Sitchu


Guys, we took a break from regular programming to explain what’s going on in the royal family of Saudi Arabia. You may remember the name Prince Mohammed bin Salman. He was rumoured to be dating Lindsay Lohan last year but that’s neither here nor there. Anyway, in March last year, his cousin Princess Basmah Bint Saud went missing. A few weeks ago she started tweeting out of the blue saying she was locked in saudi prison without charge and needed medical attention. Then the tweet was deleted. Everyone thinks Prince Mohammed had a little (or a lot) to do with it but this story ain’t over. Maybe we’ll dive into it for the next season of the pod. But also maybe we won’t. Commitment is hard.


Quick Quiz


Right, wrong, whatever! None of it matters this week because LK and Rossy have discovered a glittery and rather sexy diamond in the internet rough. His name is Hugh Grosvenor, Duke of Westminster and he is perfect. He’s single, very rich and own’s basically all of London. You can see a map here. Like, why are we just learning about this guy now?


Cruise, Marry, Shag


Ivan the Terrible, Mary Queen of Scots or Henry VIII, what would you do?


Also we accidentally talked alot about Osama Bin Laden but cut it because … yikes.


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