The War of the Roses in 17 Bullet Points

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Guys the War of the Roses is more important than you even know. Like, no rose war = no henry 8 = no annie-six-fingers = no Game of Thrones. For real our lives would be totes different if the Lancasters and the Yorks had’ve kept it together.

On the flip side, the whole saga is very old and very long winded, so we’ve scoured the internet and put together this tidy little timeline for you, don’t even worry about it.

Here goes:

  • Ed III has four sons; Edward (The Black Prince), Edmund (Duke of York), John (Duke of Lancaster) and some other one we don’t care about

  • Ed III also wants to be King of France (obvi) so wages a war that kills his heir, Ed The Black Prince

  • When Ed III dies, his grandson Rich II gets to be King even though he is really shit (and I think ten at the time) and Uncle Edmond and Uncle John are wild about it

  • Edmund and John stage a ku against Rich II

  • Edmund is murdered by Rich II and John has a son called Henry

  • Henry kills Rich II and becomes King (hooray!)

A few decades later:

  • Henry’s descendant, Henry IV is Lancaster and the King. He hangs out with his cousin Richie York alot

  • But then Henry marries this french bird who tells him to stop hanging out with the Yorks

  • Richie York gets mad and stages a ku but loses and is put in prison, Henry lets him out after he pledges his loyalty so it’s chill

  • Henry goes mad and Richie gets to be in charge by proxy for a bit

  • Turns out the peeps think Richie is better at being King

  • Richie has a baby called Edmund and people really want him to be King. Like really

  • So Edmund becomes Edward IV, the new King and everyone is psyched

  • But then Ed’s mate the Duke of Warwick gets mad when he won’t marry some french bird so he goes and fights for the Lancasters (gasp!)

  • This Warwick clown gets crazy Henry back on the throne

  • So much ARGY BARGY

  • Henry is murdered and Ed IV is King again

And so on and so forth … and nek minut Harry and Meghan have a podcast.

What a ride.


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