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What Happens When Elizabeth II Dies


We know. You don’t want to think about that inevitable dark day when Biz will draw her last breath. Neither do we. But if there’s one sure thing in life, it’s death, and so today reader we’re letting you know what to expect in the hours, days and weeks after the passing of the only monarch any of us can remember serving.


The commonwealth will enter 12 days of mourning while the coffin lies in Westminster Abbey. The public will be allowed to line up and pay their respects, though we imagine the wait time will be totally ridic -- especially if this sneaky bastard COVID-19 is still making everyone stand two metres apart. No official word on why exactly 12 days but we reckon it’s probably to give the party planning committee at Buckingham Palace time to plan an epic funeral with all the right people in attendance.


The funeral will be epic because it will likely bring together all kinds of people who hate each other but share a mutual love for Biz and her ability to keep things classy through wars, pandemics and so many fucking divorces. Will Trump give Hillary a breath mint? Will Meghan sit next to Kate? Only time will tell.


The BBC will lose its shit, cancel all programming to play the national anthem on repeat and then talk about Biz until she can be talked about no more. They’ll break the news immediately, unless it happens overnight in which case they will wait until a reasonable hour of the morning. Those Brits are classy like that.


Charles will finally get a crack. He’ll become King immediately (we can’t exactly leave the monarchy without a driver) and the mint will start printing his face on the coins. The British national anthem will officially change from “God Save The Queen” to “God Save The King”. The coronation though will take a while. Biz didn’t have hers until 16 months after George died. It will be worth waiting for though. So much good headwear.


Ok, that’s enough morbid thoughts for one day. Have a listen to our pod and we’ll see you next week!


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