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ROYAL FAMILY NEWS: A Quick Squiz At King Charles

Updated: Mar 31, 2023



Oh, hey mate! Welcome to the new season of “We’ll Never Be Royals”.

OK. King Charles. Can you even believe it? 70 years in the making and still this era feels like we’re all wearing undies made of sandpaper. Hilarious. Anyway, here’s the quick and dirty on His Majesty to help you prep for the coronation.


The Quick Squiz

Charles was born at BuckPal in 1948 (iconic!) and was the first monarch to ever go to school. Unfortunately for him, it was that shit school in Scotland Phil-The-Greek made him go to. You know it from The crown. It’s the one with the mud and yelling. Apparently he had his first drink there – it was cherry brandy because he is a classy bitch. He’s always been a bit of an artsy chap too. He was in an improv troupe at University and became a certified magician by auditioning with the ‘balls and cup’ trick (which is very different to ‘two girls one cup’). Then he fucked around in the military for a bit. Pretty borzo. Then he married Diana and we all kind of know the story from there.


Highlight

This kid has been banging on about climate change since literally before the term was invented. Like 1968 or something. He’s written books about it, he has a sustainable food line and a car that runs on wine and cheese. Oh how they laughed at him under their 70’s mustaches but old mate held strong. What a hero.


Lowlight

Tampongate, anyone? A flirty conversation between Camilla and Charles was caught on tape in 1989 and published in 1992, including an exchange in which Charles said he wanted to be Camilla's tampon. Ew. Just... ew.


Brand New Information

Did you know that unlike the Queen (may forever she reign), King Charles III doesn't wear a crown in his portrait on the coins. Apparently that’s a tradition reserved only for the ladies. It makes very little sense but maybe neither does a royal family in 2023? (lol?)




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